Back again...and quicker than last time. So, that must mean I'm feeling a little better. But, let's get back to where things got rough.
We left off 10 days post-op and I decided to go to the gym and get a little movement in. Nothing much, just some walking laps around the track to get me back in the habit of being there. I feared that my "fat brain" would go back to old programming and decide I was no longer a gym rat. I had asked the doctor pre-surgery when I could do that and he felt like it would be fine anytime I felt well enough to. The biggest issue with the gym though... GERMS! I made sure I was covered well and got about 4,000 steps in. My pits were a little pinchy but they had been the entire time. It's just a very sensitive area. I didn't stay long because it did wear me out and I was starting to sweat. It was still 100 degrees outside and pretty darn muggy in the gym. I came home, showered, and took a nap.
The next day, my armpit was more uncomfortable than before and I noticed this aggravated area on the right side. Left, full picture. Right, problem area close up. It wasn't oozing, I didn't have a fever, and it wasn't open...it was just angry. I had another follow up with the doc scheduled for the following day so we let it ride until then.
September 12, 2018, I went to my two week follow-up. Dr. Olson was in surgery at the time of my appointment so I saw the nurse and two med assistants. The nurse was definitely concerned but I didn't have any signs of infection so we weren't panicked at all. She said me sweating on the area probably set it off. Of course, this sucked for me because now I could only blame myself for setting my progress back. They prescribed me some Silver Sulfadiazine commonly known as Silvadene. WebMd says, "Silver sulfadiazine works by stopping the growth of bacteria that may infect an open wound. This helps to decrease the risk of the bacteria spreading to surrounding skin, or to the blood where it can cause a serious blood infection (sepsis). Silver sulfadiazine belongs to a class of drugs known as sulfa antibiotics."
Doctors orders: DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Don't aggravate the area. The less active you are, the more energy your body can spend on healing. Again, DO NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL.
WTF? If I was going to defer my Bali trip, the deadline to do that was September 15th. I could let them know I'd need to attend a later session and decide later when that would be. I agonized over this decision. I didn't want to defer. I want to go now because the weather in Bali is suppose to be ideal NOW. I don't want to put it off and then feel like I screwed that up too. This was tearing me up.
Posted this on deadline day because I still didn't know what I was going to do.
At the time, I wasn't turning to food. *sigh* That changed also. I felt like I was losing grasp on this new found power and control I had over my "fat brain." I started eating a little more (still healthy choices), starting snacking where/when I didn't need to be (again, not pure garbage, still healthy choices)....but with zero activity, I wasn't staying in enough of a caloric deficit to see loss. With all the swelling and inflammation from some of my nutritional choices, my weight actually went up...a lot.
So, again, I felt like a failure. Clearly I suck at healing. Clearly I suck at losing weight. Clearly I suck at staying on track. Clearly I suck at life out of the gym. CLEARLY, I JUST SUCK! That's the garbage my "fat brain" was trying to feed me. LIES! But, when you're low, you listen to them and start to feel awful about yourself.
The good news, I know how to recognize that now. The good and bad news, the silver was working but it cleaned it out, opened it up, and would get worse before getting better. The bad news...this is what it looked like...
I didn't defer. I started telling myself "I WILL HEAL" and be better in time. I found a show to binge watch on Netflix and DID NOTHING as instructed. I have been so over my pits hurting. The silver was doing it's thing but every time I extended my arms even a little...I could feel the tissue tear where it was trying to heal. So not only could I do nothing, I had to hardly move. I became...a "Robottin' T-Rex". Using only my forearms with very little movement.
Though I was struggling, I did manage to put some of the time to good use. There is some REALLY GOOD NEWS associated with that, but that's it's own blog post once I get this story caught up.
It was time to get real with myself again. I WAS HURTING MYSELF by not honoring my body as I should. I was turning to food to try to deal with a shitty situation. So, I got real...
I've been on track since. I have posted each day to keep myself accountable and now...7 days later...
The armpit? Improving. Little by little. Growing tissue each day and my range of motion is improving. I am using the silver multiple times a day and last night slept with Manuka Honey on it after having many nurse friends recommend it for wound care.
This is the current state of things...
The pit is improving. My morale is improving. I can DO NOTHING and still lose weight as long as I stay on track nutritionally. No more spiraling. I may not be able to do the asanas and get all physical with my yoga practice, but with lots of meditation and self love (instead of self sabotage), I'm getting through it. I'm worth it.
And, I'm going to Bali! 13 more days of good healing time before I leave. I've got this!